Child Inclusive Mediation - A Guide For Parents

It is widely acknowledged that getting divorced or ending a long term relationship are two of the most stressful events anyone ever has to face.

You may be finding it very hard to cope, and experiencing overwhelming feelings of anger and loss. Day to day decisions may be difficult, let alone making decisions for the future.

What about your children? What is in place for them? They may be your priority, and you want to do all you can to support and protect them, but what do they need? How can you best help them as they try to understand and come to terms with the changes in their family?

What kids say:

“I can’t say it to my mum because she’s upset enough already and I don’t want to upset her more.”

“I just say what I think they want me to say.”

“I just want them to know how I feel but I can’t do it. My dad will get angry and my mum will get upset.”

How do you get to the truth?

Sometimes a child feels caught in the middle, saying one thing to one parent and something quite different to the other about the future they want.

What is Child Inclusive Mediation (CIM)?

We meet separately with your child (away from your joint mediation meetings) and talk through how things look from their perspective. How are they managing? What, if anything, would they like to be different? Are they OK with current arrangements?

This meeting is voluntary for your child and what they talk about is confidential. We work hard to create a safe space where they can express themselves. We then work together to find the words they want to pass back to you, via us. With your child’s consent, these will then be passed back to you in the next meeting.

Your child does not take part in your mediation meeting usually. The information they may relay is for you to use in your decision making as their parents.

You may find the information in this page from the Family Mediation Council helpful.

How will this help your children during a separation and the mediation process?

In the meeting we do more than just ask what your children think about things at home.

We make sure they have enough age-appropriate information; we give them a space to express their views. The meeting gives your child a place where their views are listened to, respected, and considered seriously.

This lets them know that what they think matters.

Why do we need to involve the children? Why can’t we just talk about what we know and make decisions?

Research followed up over 4 years has proven that involving the children (as opposed to just speaking about them) resulted in:

  • Less action over the care and living arrangements

  • Higher rates of overnight contact with fathers

  • Greater stability of care and contact arrangements

  • Higher satisfaction with living arrangements for fathers and children

  • Greater reduction in parent acrimony both mother and father

  • Greater confidence for fathers in their parenting capacity

  • Better management of disputes when they occurred post mediation

  • Lower impact of father’s new partner on parenting disputes

  • More reports by parents of having learned something about their child

  • Lower conflict between parents as perceived by children

  • Children feeling less caught in the middle between their parents, children feeling less distressed about their parents conflict

  • Lower levels of conduct disturbance in children (Benefits of Child Inclusive Mediation)

What is the role of the mediator?

As mediators we are committed to ensuring you contribute equally in the mediation sessions. We help you actively listen to one another and consider all the information.

We help you negotiate and seek outcomes which are realistic and fair for both of you.

We balance the conversation, help you test the reality of suggestions made, and prevent conflict from escalating; conflict which prevents you from making agreements for the future.

We do not judge you or your situation.

We do not make decisions for you – we may put forward options you may not have considered but you will make the final decisions.

You will decide on the outcome: we will provide legal information and use our conflict resolution experience and skills to help you on the way.

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Frequently Asked Questions About Child Inclusive Mediation

Simply click on the “PLUS” signs below to view the answers to the list of common questions we get asked about Child Inclusive Mediation. If your question is not answered here, then please do use the contact form on this page to get in touch and ask us directly.